Bryanna and the City

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Getting past the hurt...and pass me a paper bag.

Whether it's intentional or not, when someone hurts me emotionally, I have a very hard time understanding it from his or her point of view and understanding why he or she decided to hurt my feelings or....getting over it. My sister recently told me not to let "him" know that he's hurt me. Not to give him that satisfacation...but I don't think I'm capable of doing this. However, it's not just hurt I've been feeling about this, but also confusion, anger, worry, guilt, triumph, regret...and the list goes on.

Thirty minutes ago I received a long awaited phone call. I phone call that I hoped would offer me some "closure". The phone call that would let me know that he's alright so that I can stop worrying and obsessing about him. Well, I didn't get that. Instead, I got the same old bull-shit that he's been giving me for the past two months. With a shaking voice I expressed my anger, something that I wanted so hard not to do and after it was over, I hyperventilated on the toilet. If you've never done that (I mean hyperventilate), it's quite a freaky experience...which, for me, included a gasping for air/crying combination, along with wildy shaking legs and body, numb, tingly lips and fingers and 5 minutes of feeling completely out of control...followed by 10 minutes of muffled sobbing in my pillow (so as not to scare my landlords).

I'm not writing this for sympathy...seriously, I just need to get it out because I don't want to have to deal with this anymore. Plus, I know this reaction is not isolated to a stupid two month relationship. I'm stressed and anxious about other things in my life, which this just makes worse. So, seriously it's enough. I've had enough. Seriously. ENOUGH.